Alternatives to the Bar Scene by Jack Rinella

The way most guys talk, you would think that the "bar scene" is the most difficult and traumatic institution ever invented. The sentence "I hate bars," is an oft-repeated lament. There are alternatives to meet people. In fact there are lot of ways to find that special person without ever venturing into a local gay drinking establishment.

I've met lots of people in lots of different ways. You can do the same, if you're willing to make the effort.

I've lost count of the number of guys I've met through the modern day phenomenon of the computer bulletin boards. BBS'ing, as it's called, offers a low cost, right from your home, way to meet lots of people. Of course you've got to have access to a computer with a modem. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to own one though. I know several guys who log on to the BBS from work (not recommended but if you can do it, more power to you), or from a friend's computer.

The boards work this way: once you "log" on, you choose a handle, type in a short description of yourself, and answer one of several questionnaires. The computer gives you access to others' questionnaires as well as to public messages (called strings), computer generated photos, and electronic mail. You can search for others with answers to your liking, leave them e-mail, and eventually start a computer dialogue with them.

Many boards offer a chat mode where you can share information on line, if you're both logged on at the same time.

You can also post messages similar to those you see in classified ads. Eventually, phone numbers get exchanged and you can set a date to meet. Don't be surprised though if relatively few of the people to whom you send e-mail actually arrive at your door. It's still a cautious world out there and there are a lot more talkers than doers.

But the ease of access, low cost, and quick response time makes computer cruising fun.

Similarly, the classified ads work in the same way, though they are slower, since writing letters, and waiting for replies can take weeks or months. Do the ads work? Well, I'm still friends with Gary and we met nine years ago through an ad in Drummer Magazine.

If you've never run an ad or answered one, just get yourself a PO Box and go for it. You'd also be advised to get a picture of yourself to send to the people to whom you write. Answering ads works just as well as taking out an ad. When I get in the mood to look that way, I'll send off a dozen or so form letters and then get more personal when the replies come back. I prefer to give my phone number and to talk over the phone, rather than relying on the mail.

Now a days of course there are talking personals. Instead of using the mail to answer ads, you can pick up the phone and leave voice mail. You'll get phone calls in response, not a bad start to meeting new friends.

In a similar vein are the 900 numbers. They work in much the same way as the computer does, but are invariably more expensive. When you talk to someone in whom you're interested, it's wise to get their number and call them directly, thereby reducing the per minute charges. A word to the wise here: be careful of your phone bill. The per-minute phone charges can run up quickly. The stories about $500 and $1,000 charges are true. You won't do that more than once I'm sure.

There are many Gay groups that offer an easy way to meet people. Among them are churches, bridge and euchre clubs, athletic, choral, and volunteer organizations. Contax meets monthly at Ann Sathers Restaurant and is an ideal way to meet people, as are the various professional networking groups in Chicago.

Magazines offer classified ads as well as information about local and national clubs. But once again, you've got to make the first effort. These groups are often staffed by volunteers so at times their responses are a long time in coming. Don't give up, keep looking, and you'll find the friends you're looking for.

There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, there are times when solitude is both necessary and welcome. Loneliness, on the other hand, need not be a permanent condition.

If you want to have friends, be a friend. Whether you're out-going is done on a computer, in a letter, or in any one of the many groups that bring people together, it's your call as to whom you meet and what happens when you do. Feeling sorry for yourself won't win you a date. Using your shyness as an excuse to stay at home to feel sorry for yourself will only let you have another reason to feel sorry for yourself.

The truth is that the world is full of friends looking to meet each other. Reach out your hand to your neighbor, he or she won't bite it. You have nothing to lose but your boredom.

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