Partners
In Power
Living
in Kinky Relationships
by
Jack
Rinella
 About
the Book
Publisher:
Greenery
Published:2003
181
pages,
paperback
ISBN:
1890159530
Price:
$16.95
Respected
scene leader Jack
Rinella has carefully
explored how BDSM
relationships fit
into the lives of
real people of all
genders and orientations.
From that research,
and his own two
decades as an active
leatherman, he has
assembled this sensible,
readable manual
about how kinky
relationships really
work.
You'll
learn how to
decide what
you want from
a relationship,
find partners,
distinguish
between fantasy
and reality,
negotiate agreements
to accommodate
your changing
needs and resolve
conflicts, and
much more.
"Steeped
in aphorisms
as real
as Mom's
apple pie,
Jack Rinella's
refreshing
new book
provides
a wise and
experienced
appraisal
for finding
and living
leather
relationships
in the world
of 21st
century
BDSM."
- William
A. Henkin,
Ph.D., co-author,
Consensual
Sadomasochism:
How to Talk
About It
and How
to Do It
Safely
1.
Leather Culture and
Vocabulary
To
begin this discussion,
though, we need
to first explore
the "vocabulary".
the language of
leather, since one
of the biggest problems
that we kinky folks
share is involves
our (mis)use of
language. As a subculture
in America we have
taken Standard American
English and molded
it for our own purposes.
If
we have no shared
values, there can
be no community
of interest, no
working together
toward a common
good, no shared
events, shared pleasures,
or shared living.
But there is all
of that, so there
must be a few fundamental
values that we hold
together. That's
not to say that
we are in full agreement
on
3.
The Continuum of
Relationships
What
most discussions
on SM and equality
omit is the more
important notion
of fulfillment and
satisfaction. The
modern-day notion
of equality demands
some kind of conformity
to a standard, to
some approved benchmark
of what is better.
But in fact, many
qualities are neither
better nor worse.
Is it better to
be short or tall?
Dark or fair? There
is no ranking of
real power or real
service. Of itself,
power is neutral.
Their goodness,
their rightness
springs from the
intention, the purpose
of our hearts. The
real benchmark is
the standard of
our souls.
4.
The Archetypes of
SM Relationships
Masters
and slaves
Daddies and their
boys
Tops and bottoms
Service Tops and
Pushy Bottoms
Versatility
Pro-Domes and Their
Clients
Human Animals and
Their Handlers
Fuck Buddies, Tricks,
and Others
Healthy
relationships are
most easily formed
between people who
are themselves psychologically
healthy. Leather,
as well as any other
kind of relating,
is no place for
immaturity, escapism,
or dependence.
6.
Which Way Do You
Choose
It
is by considering
our choices, and
consciously weighing
them against the
standard of our
self, that we can
effectively manifest
the authentic self,
be it gay, het,
or in between, living
in a highly structured
relationship or
one seemingly without
any definition at
all. The result
is up to the individual,
who is and always
should be both free
and responsible.
The questions take
us back to knowing
ourselves, the self
unburdened of societal
baggage, of expectations
imposed by others.
Once again, "To
thine own self be
true.".
As
I plunge into the
details of this
chapter, I'd like
to give some advice
about what is a
person beginning
an exploration of
our culture ought
to do. These suggestions
reflect my own entry
into leather in
the '80s. I learned
a lot by following
these rules, though
I never knew that's
what I was doing.
1.
Flex and Switch.
2. Own your freedom.
3. Ask.
4. Listen.
5. Don't be afraid
to fail.
6. Read, watch,
and attend.
7. Hang loose.
8. Take it slowly.
9. Volunteer.
10. Have fun.
8.
Love in the 21st
Century
Love
comes in many forms,
and much of what
we consider love
is little more than
a warm feeling,
affection, attraction
or lust. These qualities
are certainly helpful
in keeping the home
fires burning, but
loving, the act
of love itself,
is quite different
than being in love,
the feeling of romantic
attraction. For
that reason, love
is a dangerous and
misunderstood word.
So
why can't I have
more than one lover?
I can. I need not
be "normal".
It's certainly true
that there are one-man
men and one-woman
women, as well as
lots of hets who
are quite content,
in fact happy, with
monogamy. There
is no need for anyone
to trash the one-on-one
role model- the
divorce rate is
proof enough that
long term monogamy
often leaves something
to be desired.
The
oldest coming together
of leatherfolk is
within the context,
referenced above,
called family. Such
a family, usually
begun by a charismatic
and experienced
player, forms an
initial bond with
one other, usually
a lover, longtime
partner, or submissive.
From two it is a
process of addition
by trial and error,
as others are attracted
to their camaraderie,
mutual support,
and genuine good
times.
11.
Elephants in the
Room
Posers
Abusers and Addicts
On-line Typers
Hopes and Heartbreaks
Changing the Relationship
Breaking Up
Love Conquers All
Long-distance Relationships
Negativity
Health
Emotions
Manners
One
of the goals of
Leathersex is to
bring its participants
into altered states
of awareness, such
as when a masochist
is single tailed
into bliss. One
can easily postulate
that sex itself
changes one's awareness
of reality. Certainly
orgasms change our
awareness, if only
momentarily. Bondage,
flogging, and fisting
hold a great deal
of attraction simply
because they often
bring one or both
of the participants
into highly pleasurable
altered states.
Humans,
then, can be seen
as a unique collection
of vibrations, some
of which result
in the very solid
mass of our bodies,
other vibrations,
higher, more subtle,
or on different
planes manifest
other aspects of
our humanity. Think
brain waves.
Appendix
A: Resources
Appendix
B: Bibliography
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"Healthy
relationships are most easily formed
between people who are themselves
psychologically healthy. Leather,
as well as any other kind of relating,
is no place for immaturity, escapism,
or dependence."
Chapter 5
