How to Negotiate a Scene
by Jack Rinella

The quest to find the perfect partner, or at least the one who will do tonight, seems endless. Tips on techniques, on classified advertising, on dress codes and safe sex are all helpful. There are a lot of ingredients that comprise a good time, but eventually it all depends upon our ability to negotiate.

In the broader scheme of things, negotiation is an ever present factor in our SM play. It is our communication to prospective partners about are willing to give to get what we are seeking. It is the clothes we wear, the signs that adorn us, our manners, our questions, and our responses.

Leather is only life in microcosm. If you're a good communicator elsewhere, those same skills are invaluable in a bar, through correspondence, or on the phone. If you don't have common sense, clear speaking habits, and suitable listening skills, then it's going to be more difficult to negotiate anything, be it a lease on an apartment, a pay raise at work, or the submission of a sex-starved slave.

The ways and places to begin "negotiating" are myriad. Wherever two people communicate, there arises the possibility that a sexual encounter will occur. Of course it's painfully obvious that not all possibilities turn into realities. What may not be apparent is that turning a possibility into a reality takes negotiation.

What sets the leather scene apart from most other human encounters is that the participants are looking for sadomasochistic activity. After all, we're not discussing sweeping the sidewalk, though that could be part of a broader negotiation to get that boy to be your live-in domestic slave.

For the sake of discussion, negotiation can be broken into six stages: early signals, discovery, initial agreement, fine tuning, commitment, and on-going communication.

The intensity of the final "commitment" determines the degree to which negotiation is necessary as well as how detailed it needs be. Quickies have been "negotiated" without words in a matter of seconds. Arriving at agreement on a long-term relationship may take months, if not years, and as any long-term lovers will tell you, is never really over.

In fact, negotiation continues throughout the life span of a relationship, though stating that is jumping ahead of myself. Let me solve that writer's dilemma by going right to early signals.

EARLY SIGNALS

First impressions can be overcome but, truthfully, to do so can be difficult. We tell books by their cover. We interpret signs, gestures, and words within the context in which we encounter them and the framework of meaning they imply to us. My column on dressing for success covered much of the early signals for cruising.

The initial encounter establishes a framework for future negotiation. It sets broad guidelines and the basis for a relationship. Any time two people relate to each other, be it checking out groceries or getting fisted, they are in a relationship. So take the word "relationship" to mean the way you are going to treat to each other and the intensity and duration of that treatment.

Early on, the two of you are going to have to decide who's top? Who's bottom? Are we switchable, undecided, available? That communication, of course, doesn't all have to be verbal, or even in person. Three different guys recently wrote to me in the hope that I'd become their master.

The first said something like "I hope you're not offended if I say I'd like to be your slave". The second left only vague clues about his intentions but made it very clear that he was an experienced submissive without a master and that he'd like to talk to me about his (very hot) experiences with his last master. The ensuing five pages made my dick drip with anticipation about having this guy's naked ass in my playroom. He never asked, but even a cursory reading between the lines made his dreams clear to me.

The third gentleman was quite forthright. "But ultimately, my goal is to give myself up to YOU as a total gift," he wrote.

All three included phone numbers and so the negotiation, complete with early signals of where they wanted to go, could begin. Likewise, I had sent early signals in my column on slavery and so the stage was set for the next level of discussion.

DISCOVERY

Letter writing may be the easiest way to negotiate but it takes the longest and can be the most futile. Face to face negotiation, on the other hand, gives rather quick results, especially since much of what each partner desires is all too often found in the "packaging" rather than the substance of the potential partner. You can't always tell if he's ugly in a letter. If beauty is your sole criterion, then there may not be much opportunity to negotiate anyway!

This stage entails the discovery of general parameters, such as willingness, availability, and experience level. The conversation doesn't even sound like negotiation, and indeed it doesn't have to. Instead, it is just a simple matter of fact finding. What is important is that you find the facts necessary to make an informed decision.

Is he single, or at least available? Is he interested in doing anything? What is his time frame? Now, later, never? What are his interests, his fetishes, his turn-ons and turn-offs? Is he new to the scene, or an old pro?

Discovery is not meant to be a forty question quiz. It is simply a time to get to know each other as individuals. If you take time to do that, you'll help avoid serious misunderstanding later. The old question about "going home with a maniac" is easily answered: Get to know the guy well enough to know that's he's not a maniac, then go home with him.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of quick, anonymous sex, but treating your prospective partner as a person, getting to know him as he really is, will make any later activity more pleasurable.

Your line of discovery depends on your goals as well as whatever "standard" questions you might have. The questions your new friend asks will tell you volumes about him as well.

Don't rush discovery. Sure you may want to get your rocks off right now, but better go home alone, or wait another day for the right partner, than find yourself in a situation you'll regret. Issues of health and safety are important enough to take priority over fast testicular relief. If all of your "negotiation" is taking place after the bartender has yelled, "Last call," then you are beginning the process too late in the night.

There's nothing wrong with giving the guy your phone number and continuing the discovery in a less rushed, less frantic time. On the other hand, if you both feel you know enough to go on to "Go" then do so.

INITIAL AGREEMENT

If you've gotten this far, it's because you've found common grounds of agreement throughout the time of discovery. By now you ought to feel that you are right for each other, within the context of the scene that you are considering. The time and extent of initial agreement, like the rest of the process, is determined by the expected outcome. For short term relationships ("Quickies") initial agreement may simply mean saying yes to "doing it", (whatever "it" is in this discussion), right now.

On the other hand, you may find yourself in somewhat of a loop between discovery and initial agreement, getting small "yeses", learning more information, and then getting more approval.

Be careful to see what your partner is really saying. "No" may not really mean no. It may just mean "Not now," or "Maybe, but I need more information."

From whence are his answers coming? Does he still have fear or hesitation? Why? What hasn't been communicated properly?

The guy who wrote "give myself up to YOU as a total gift," isn't willing to fly here to meet me. He's still uncomfortable with his knowledge of what's going to happen. He doesn't feel right about buying that airplane ticket. If I want to continue the dialogue toward his eventual slavery to me, then I need to get agreement to continue the discovery process.

Likewise he needs to have me agree to continue listening and learning. And so we go back to discovery, moving ourselves closer to knowing whether or not we'll ever get together.

There comes a point, of course, when there's been enough talk, enough writing, enough cruising. It may be that it's never going to work out, or that the conclusion is so obvious that you might as well get naked right now!

There's nothing wrong with saying "No". There is nothing wrong with hearing "No" either. Each of us, top or bottom, has the ultimate right to decide when, where, and what we do with our bodies. Exercising your right to say no is no different than saying yes. It is your free choice. If it's not your free choice then you need to examine what is really going on, and why isn't it a free choice?

I'm a strong believer that noes should be friendly, polite, caring, and clear. They should not be taken personally.

Just because the man you're negotiating with says no doesn't make you any less of a person. Saying no to him doesn't mean you are putting him down or rejecting his worth. That is so important to realize, I'm going to write it again: "There's nothing wrong with saying "No". There's nothing wrong with you if someone says "No" to you either.

You may want to find out, if possible, why the answer is no, especially if you find the no disheartening or surprising. But the no may just be what is more real and most honest for both of you. Move on to other opportunities, letting this one simply teach you what it might and then letting go of it.

If, on the other hand, the world, and the guy you're negotiating with, are saying yes to you, then go on to the next step. You're almost ready to get laid.

FINE TUNING

"Almost", I said. "Almost".

Some of the obvious details may have been worked out by now. You may even know a great deal about when and where and what with whom. Fine tuning is meant to fill in the blank spaces, especially those concerning safety, health, and limits.

In more formal negotiations, such as when Mr. Wonderful is flying from Florida for the love of his life, I put things in writing and ask my future partner to do the same. In writing? Yes, in writing. Things like plane arrival times and flight numbers are important enough to be put in writing.

Maybe I take my writing too seriously, but I like to let the guy know what to expect, what to bring, and what to do. I think things like what clothing will be necessary, who's going to pay for food, and medical considerations are significant, though they may not all have the same level of significance.

The heavier master/slave scenarios demand more careful preparation. Communicate to each other what your expectations are. By doing so, you're less likely to be disappointed. If you expect him to show up wearing a jock strap that has a week's worth of piss stains in it, let him know! If you need to take medication four times a day, inform your host that such is the case. After all, he'll need to leave a hole in the saran wrap mummification so you can take your pills as well as to let you breathe!

Like the rest of negotiating, the depth and breadth of fine tuning depends upon the intensity, duration, and kind of scene that is going (you hope) to take place. You don't need to bring a change of clothes if your "love affair" is only going to last thirty-seven minutes. I don't give guys I pick up at the bar on one of my occasional "prowl nights" a written statement of intent.

Whether your scene lasts ten minutes or ten years, you do need to fine tune the information about health issues. Regardless of your state of health, it is important that both of you are clear as to safe sex and that you are both responsible to insure that safe sex occurs. Neither top nor bottom can shrug this responsibility on to the other. Be informed.

I am strongly opposed to rejecting people based on their health status. Yes, I play with men who are HIV positive --- and have lots of safe fun with them to boot. HIV status, though, is only one of many health considerations. "Who's got the condoms?" is another. I think you've gotten my point. Fine tune the details before you find yourself in a position where you wish you had known sooner.

COMMITMENT

Having followed, in a natural, easy-going, and honestly open way the preceding steps, the rest of the negotiation is a snap. You both know what, when, and whom you're getting. It's time to just do it.

That is, it's time to just do if it is a reasonably and emotionally sound decision. Listen to the red flags your inner self sends up, if there are any. Be sure that what you're up to is safe, sane, and consensual. Recognize that you're an adult making an adult decision, arrived at soberly, carefully, and respectfully of self and others, and then do it.

Getting the commitment may be as easy as asking "My place or yours?" or much more formal. It may be as dominant as "On your knees, boy", or as submissive as dropping to your knees. How clear cut it needs to be depends on what has transpired to this point. Fact is, though, if you've gotten this far, then you're home free. It's just a matter of knowing whether it's his home or yours.

ON-GOING COMMUNICATION

One might think that getting bedded, bound, laid, sucked, served, or any of the other variations two people might come up with would be the end of the negotiating process. But it's not.

Relationships are viable entities in themselves. You will continue to discover new facts about and facets of your partner. There will be a need for further fine tuning, for clearing up misinformation, for sharing new fantasies. New facts will continuously alter your possibilities and so negotiation, to keep both of you where each of you wants to be, will need to continue.

Don't be afraid to re-negotiate. If the red flags fly in your face, respond to them. Listen to your inner self, however it may try to break into your hearing.

That doesn't mean that all new information is negative or new feelings foreboding. You may find, as many have, that what began as that quick encounter evolves into the love of your life. Make all your relationships work by being open, honest, reasonable, and emotionally sound.

Remember to have fun, the only reason to be negotiating in the first place.

Copyright 2000 by Jack Rinella. This material may not be copied in any manner. For permission to reproduce this essay, contact mrjackr@leathermail.com